Steps to Manage Self-Sabotage - when your brain gets in the way!
When I work with 1:1 clients it’s typically for a three month period. During the first four weeks things typically move along smoothly. We have fun. We make progress. Then at week 5 something happens. For whatever reason, this always seems to be about the time something happens. A wheel falls off. Something gets derailed. There is usually a time of self-sabatoge.
We basically just get in our own way.
It’s absolutely normal, too. In fact, it’s one thing we spend a lot of time on during my certification courses.
Working on wellness goals and creating habits is my sweet spot and I love getting to know clients and working with them to create goals, establish the “why” behind them and then, step by step, with consistency and practice, and, let’s be honest, some work, there is success. However, at some point in the process, and even more than one point, where there is that bit of self-sabatoge.
I thought I’d share a little about it in case you see yourself doing it and need a nudge to help get over that hump. I promise I still need these reminders. I do this in little ways now and then and have to do my own self-coaching on it.
First of all, it’s important to know how it can show up, so you can be aware of when it’s happening.
It can look something like this:
You have a goal to start a blog, lose seven pounds, run a half marathon, finally establish an overall healthy lifestyle or (insert your goal) and you are rocking along doing the small things consistently towards your goal or new habits. You have traction and are getting comfortable with the new “routines” and ways of thinking. Then something happens. Your old mindset creeps in, your old habits start teasing you. The next thing you know, you’ve stopped writing, begun munching on crackers or ice cream, missed your runs “just because” or slipped back into your old “all or nothing” eating habits or (insert your own).
*Now let me be clear here. When I say self-sabotage, I am not talking about enjoying your birthday cake, taking a day off of running, taking a break from writing to re-charge - please know I’m not at all talking about the normal, living life and not trying to be some form of a perfectionist robot.*
We’ve all been there at some point or another. That’s why habit change is so darn hard. Our “critter” brains get in the way. It avoids change and wants to keep things nice and simple, and comfortable. So, it is our job to outsmart our critter brain. The more you do it, the more you can predict it, find the triggers and nip it before it takes you down.
Here is what I’ve found works best with the clients (and myself). . .
1. Develop self-awareness
Recognizing what and when you are self-sabotaging is half of the battle. What does it look like for you? Is it procrastination, bowing out if things get too difficult or uncomfortable? Picking a fight for no reason?
Go back to your goal and write it down. Then identify the behavior or old habit that is “stopping” you.
Sometimes it is actually fear of the change. Again, we like comfort. We like sameness. Change can be scary. It can also be fear of failing to actually reach a goal, or what might happen when you do make the change you’ve been reaching for and it can as easily be fear of actually succeeding.
2. Write it out
If the patterns are not clear it helps to write it down. Keep a journal as you are working through your small and consistent steps. If you are hitting roadblocks, or getting tired of the work or complaining about where you are headed, then sometimes seeing it in black and white helps you see what is going on.
3. Create a plan — and do it
When you see the patterns coming up you want to break, make a plan for them. I did a Walk & Talk video on this one time. I talked about planning for the obstacles. You know you are going on vacation so it’ll be more difficult to write your blog, get in your mileage, eat on your normal plan, (you insert your own). Make a plan for having a blast on vacation without completely leaving your goals. You can write posts before your vacation, or have some time in the mornings, maybe you plan a couple of days to get in your run, or plan on at least one meal being a good salad. The point is to have a plan so that your critter brain does not begin to talk you out of your forward movement. Make it a personal rule to do your thing. If it is a rule, then you are allowing your new habit to begin to take over.
It’s also a good time to get an accountability partner, a coach (shameless plug) or friend to give you a little support. Someone who will remind you of the progress you have already made and are making is a big boost for your energy to keep going.
4. Practice mindfulness
Being mindful of what you are doing, when you are doing it and being honest with yourself about why will strengthen your ability to continue moving forward. We all have our own behaviors, habits and patterns that can be tricky to change. If it were easy, then there would be far fewer smokers, junk food junkies, procrastinators, moms with unearned guilt, perfectionists, people pleasers or nail biters, right?
5. Communicate
This can be the simplest, but the scariest of things to do. If we know we are doing the thing we actually DON’T want to be doing, but are doing it anyway, the last thing we want to do is admit it. We don’t want to give it any attention. We don’t want to make it real. Actually telling someone you are starting a blog, training for a marathon, working on a health goal, or working on no longer being a perfectionist (you insert your own) will probably bring on some high fives, some excitement and encouragement.
Those can go a long way in helping you move forward.
Just to put this in perspective, I’ll share some of my own. If you’ve been around for any time listening to me, you may have heard that I’ve been working on sleep like it’s my job. I had really gotten it dialed in and had great “sleep hygiene in place” until the last few weeks. Something switched and I couldn’t figure it out. Thinking about it today I see where I’ve been self-sabotaging on my sleep habits. I’ve slowly allowed the phone back beside my bed, doing a little scrolling before bed, texting with friends past my bedtime, and just letting some of those good habits melt away.
Back in my “dieting” days when I was deep into the whole diet culture life, trying each new thing to get or keep the scale at a particular number, I would always find myself following the new plan, doing a great job and then when I hit that number I was chasing, I’d invariably have a binge and have to get back on the diet cycle. Thank heavens I got out of my own way, realized that diets never work and learned better habits to live with a healthier mindset around food and nutrition.
Oftentimes my self-sabatoge shows up in areas around what I tell myself, or in the stories I tell myself (about myself). This is my critter brain messing with my confidence, when I have been working on that area.
Another area I have worked on is to move on from things I cannot change and not dwell over things I have no control over. I will be rocking along doing really well until. . . BAM, something happens and I find myself ruminating on, trying to fix or beating myself up for daaayyyss over things I have absolutely no control over. (And I know this, but still find myself in that loop).
While I am confessing, here is another one I’ve been working on. I have been working on being more direct and not falling back into passive/aggressive tendencies. I tend to procrastinate things that are uncomfortable, confrontational or call for a hard conversation. I have gotten much better at this (I think) but can easily fall back into old patterns.
Now that I’ve given you all of my own self-sabotage battles, I hope you know it happens all the time to all of us. As I said earlier, being self-aware makes a huge difference in managing it and moving forward and through those times.
I hope this helps you if you’ve been beating yourself against the wall or wondering why you can’t get past a certain point. Let me know if any of these are helpful, or if you have your own ways of handling this tricky period.
*I’ve recently taken a break from 1:1 coaching, and look forward to starting back in August. Let me know if you would like to chat about anything I can help you with!
Also, here’s the latest Walk & Talk . . .
Live Well!
M-D💚