Bear with me here. This is not a health and wellness post which is what I normally post here. So if you aren’t up for a little sappy I don’t want to take up your space and I’d love you to come back another day.
A couple of days ago I closed the door behind me as I came into a very quiet and empty home – except for our two dogs. Thank goodness for our furry friends! As of last Saturday I am officially an empty nester. Those two words. I really wish someone at some point would have thought of something different to call us parents who have finally, after years of early mornings, fights over homework, dirty sports socks, late nights staying up waiting for teens to get home and a gazillion dollars later, taken that last child to their landing spot outside of their home.
Years ago when we took the First Son to move into his college dorm I remember we had those typical fuzzy in the future talks about things far on the horizon. Those things we would do when we moved our last son out and had time and space and energy to get out and enjoy . . . If you have children, I bet at some time you have had those exact same thoughts and conversations.
Well, this empty home (except for the above mentioned dogs) is another reminder that things don’t always go as planned. This year, 2020, is a great big, fat reminder that sometimes it does not matter how meticulous you are, how well intentioned, organised and forward thinking, some things just do not follow a plan.
When I got married waaaay back in 1993 in the church I grew up in and started on a shiny new life I had plans. They were great plans. That’s what I do – make plans. I’m one of those folks that while coming home from a vacation begins planning the next one. I like to have something on the horizon. I need to have something to look forward to. I think that was one of the hardest things for me to grasp hold of when my marriage began to crack and things began to take a whole other turn. Then the boys lost their father. Life took a big pivot and I had to get my footing and learn to go with very short term plans and goals. Not knowing what was in the future and what lay ahead completely derailed me. It sent my head spinning in waaayyyy too many directions and kept me up endless hours at night.
At some point, I was told to try to look at this new time as a gift. A time to adjust, accept, go with the flow and create new plans. Or let go of crazy planning and be open to new things. That sounds just a bit flaky for me. Unfortunately, I am my mother’s daughter. If you knew her you know she was the queen of control and would easily micromanage the mess out of you. I am far from the controller and ultra organizer that my mother was, but I do struggle with the unknown.
I’ve had the past year to get to this point. I knew it was coming and am completely ready for the Third Son to begin his own independence, experiences and time out from under me. I’m so excited for him and this time in his (and all of my boys’) life. And believe me, God made them each get to the point of being royal pains in the arses at the appropriate time, so we would all be ready for the move. There’s a season for everything, right? And while I could say that my work is done here I know better. I am not one of the moms who hovers and makes the trip to do a child’s laundry or clean the bathroom, but I do know there are still more mom duties ahead.
However, back to the bigger question of “what now”? I am trying to re-learn a way to live that does not include a sports calendar or any type of calendar or something big on the horizon. Right now there just isn’t a next thing. It is a wide open space. I think I’m trying to plan on not having a plan. . .
Of all times, this time in our lives is a pretty good time to be in this position. You may not have a newly empty home, but you may be feeling the same with the fluidity of our current pandemic situation. Not knowing if your children will be staying in school, moving back to online classes, whether you’ll be teaching seventh grade math (Heaven help you!), whether you will ever go back to your office for work, or your day job at all, leaves us all in a state of flux with a big question mark on the horizon.
There’s a new season ahead. While so many things have been turned upside down, there are some things that will keep me grounded during this between time. So, for now, this is my plan. . . .
Get up every day, put my feet on the floor, connect with my people, be open, and move forward. In between there are many little things to add each day to make a good day. For me, that’s exercise, quiet time, getting outside, making time to be creative, work, finding someone to make me laugh every day (you know who you are out there) and focusing on the day’s experience and trying not to force too many things in the future.
Maybe others will creep in now there is more space and quiet around here.
Sappy post over.
Stay Well!
Marla Deen, you are a breath of fresh air. I love your honesty and I hope and pray that I do this boy mom thing as well as you have done it. I love your faith and the fact that you embrace your small town childhood. So many people leave it behind when they escape to the city.. One of my favorite movies states that “you can have roots and still have wings.” I believe that to be true. Although, we weren’t friends growing up, I always admired you from afar and every single time that I see you, I feel a sense of home. You are a joy and breath of fresh air. You have gone through many trials over the last few years and you have handled it with such grace. I don’t think that it was by accident that we crossed paths and I pray we do again soon.
I couldn’t agree more! I’ll so miss seeing you and hearing about the latest boy antics and catching up on our hometown connection. I’m so happy you are going with your gut and I can’t wait to see all you’ll be doing with those two little boys!
Absolutely fantastic post. Probably gut wrenching to write, but very heartfelt. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Tom. I appreciate that.
Marla I miss you girl!!! You are such an inspiration to me.❤️
So sad I missed the last trip but it’s time to start planning another so we can all catch up!
Right there with you sister! I think the pandemic has magnified all of the empty space. We don’t know – and kinda doubt – that we will have college football to look forward to – we WILL have endless political ads which tend to portray doom and gloom.
I like your plan – get up – move your body – love on your dogs and look for the good in each day.
Sending lots of love your way! And know that while you are physically alone – you are not alone in you feelings. ❤️
MD
I love your post and I love your energy. I really hope I see you outside of lovett. To me you were once my neighbor, a proud football mom, a supportive wrestling mom and a person that left me a beautiful note in my mailbox when I lost someone special in my life. So even when you are feeling lonely, you have left marks and memories of your amazing energy in so many hearts. So 2020 might be a year of Reflection, Remembering, and Readiness for Reality. Thank you for being YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Claudia – and I look forward to seeing you too – even if I’m not cheering on my own boy. I’m looking forward to following yours!
Hey MD! Yeah, I get it – didn’t care to read until I realized he was your last – but such an awesome expression you wrote of how you feel/felt. When I dropped Andrew off in 2014, and he drove me to my pick up spot to go back home – gave him a last hug and I had tears in my eyes – and Andrew was puzzled when he saw! My sadness was not for me, but for him – but not sadness, happiness! Because he was gonna meet some fabulous people, LIKE DEEN, – but he didn’t know it at the time. End of the story – “What now?” – play on sista! Be happy! You’ll figure it out – just get on with it. I’m sure you have some marvelous friends who will keep you going, and for sure, you’re NOT lacking in personality – just like…..Deen??? But you’re gonna be just fine – I swear! Take what comes my friend – you’ll figure it out. Best to you MD!
Drew
Thanks Drew! That made me laugh. And you mean you weren’t going to read just because it’s something I wrote?? Hope you are well! Love hearing from you.