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Sometimes Even Good Memories Can be Hard

July 6, 2015 by Marla-Deen Brooks 4 Comments

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Sunset over Cumberland Island

I began this post last week while packing for a week at the beach.  I intended to finish it, if I decided to actually post it, while we were on vacation.  However, our place did not have wifi so I took it as an opportunity to ignore my laptop and simply focus on being at the beach, being with my boys and family.  It was a great time and I definitely wish I was still there!  I’ve decided to share what I began, with a few tweaks, to make it timely.  . . .

It’s been that time of year when my family begins packing our bags for our annual July 4th Beach Trip.  My family is pretty traditional, meaning we don’t do change very well.  We have been going to the very same beach since long before I was born.  One year we did decide to do something different.  It was the summer after the Third Son was born.  We rented a great big house on a fabulous quiet stretch of beach on St. George Island in Florida.  While we had a fabulous time, we quickly made our way back to “our” beach on Amelia Island, Florida.  It was tradition!  Why change a good thing?

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Loved my little boys on the beach! Not sure why there’s a Diet Coke in his little hands . . .

 

 


Like any place that you have enjoyed for years, there are so many wonderful memories.  This was the beach where I fished off the pier with my Daddy, looked for seashells with my Mom, spent far too many hours in the sun, had my first summer boyfriend, later lost my engagement ring – thankfully, found said ring, and taught my boys to ride the waves, build sandcastles and swim.  So, as I begin to pack my bags, I am also reminiscing about all these fun memories, and packing them along with us.

Along with these many wonderful memories, there is also an unfathomably horrible memory that often supersedes the good ones.  In fact, we almost thought we would never go back to our regular family spot.  Three years ago, while on vacation,  we experienced a traumatic event and loss when my brother suffered a brain aneurism and passed away three days later.  I still falter while typing this.  I wrote about it Something Personal.  A Tribute in a tribute to Mike.  As we were getting ready to make the trip last year I was a little nervous about going back and how it would be without his huge presence and how all the memories would overflow.  A New Family Beach Trip recounted that trip.  We had a lovely service scattering his ashes in one of his favorite spots and where he had planned to go before our world stopped.

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We then toasted with his favorite, and original,  homemade Possum Punch, thanks to my aunt for freezing it for so long!!

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Ready to Toast
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Sunset on a wonderful Amelia Island River Cruise

I am not trying to bore you all with some self-indulgent post on my life and loss.  I think that I expected as we approached year three that the loss would be less painful.  The loss would feel distant and maybe more fuzzy.  (Some crazy articles on grief say you should feel better after six months.)  However, I have learned that grief is its own journey and has its own sweet time.  I don’t ask why anymore, but I still ask “how?”  How did this happen?  How can things be so nice, easy, fun and normal one minute, and so drastically different and life changing the next?  I still can’t wrap my arms around it.

Perhaps it is just me.  Maybe it is that I lost the three members of my family so close together, that’s why I still carry the grief around.  Maybe I’m just not that strong.  I have always been one of those softies that cries at a Publix commercial, so maybe it’s my own weakness.  Maybe not.  Maybe it’s just how I have to process this stuff in my life.  If you are in a spot like mine this may make sense to you.  I hope your life has not brought you to a life changing event.  If it has I am sorry.  Another thing I have learned through my own grief journey is that most of us are going to have something bad, messy and awful to deal with at some time.  It has changed me and it may change you.  I found this by author Anne Lamont and wanted to share:

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I think this is where I am now.  I know others who are also grieving and trying to figure out their new normal.  Likely, there are  many out there limping along.

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Sun coming up at a Happy Place

We decided that we couldn’t simply stop a family tradition to escape bad memories.  We needed to go back to honor our loved ones and all of the times we shared together.  Things will never be the same, but that does not mean we do not get out there and celebrate and create new memories and stories.  Our memories are what make our lives so spectacular.  Mike used to say two things, “You better get busy living or get busy dying” and, of course, “It’s all about the stories.”.  Our stories make our lives full and interesting.  We all have ridiculous, crazy, could only happen to you kind of stories from our lives.  However, where there is loss, even those funny and joyful memories can bring a little pain.  Even the memories we want to re-live, that bring us so much joy, make us smile and laugh and simply remember, can still be hard.  But I’m so very glad to have them and be able share them!

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Must have been some story!

Enjoy Your Day!

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Filed Under: 10 Rules Of Lean Eating, General

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Beth kempe says

    July 6, 2015 at 7:01 pm

    Wonderful MD. Grief is a process that never really finishes, you just learn how to peacefully coexist. Lovely post

    Reply
    • Marla-Deen Brooks says

      July 8, 2015 at 12:47 pm

      Thank you, Beth. I love how you say we just learn to peacefully coexist. You are so very right. Thanks for reading and especially for your comments and encouragement.

      Reply
  2. Vivian says

    July 7, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    Your vacation spot sounds the same as the one my family has gone to for years at Amelia by the Sea. We also experienced loss of my nephew from a stroke at age 47. He was one of those large as life big guys. He loved his family and he loved vacations at ABTS. I caught myself several times this vacation sitting on the edge of the pool half expecting him to come toward me with that big grin on his face acting like he was going to pull me in. There is an intermingling of sadness and joy now. Not just him but my mom who is 94 and no longer able to take the heat. She loved walking the beach and collecting shells. I remind myself when I am sad that although there is happiness and laughter to be enjoyed here, this is not my home. Joy unspeakable awaits ?

    Reply
    • Marla-Deen Brooks says

      July 8, 2015 at 12:44 pm

      I know Amelia by the Sea SOOOOO well! We began going there the first year it was built and continued for many years! My dad loved fishing off the pier there! Somewhere along the way we moved away from there further down the beach to a different place called Surf & Racquet. Since that is where we lost my brother, we cannot go back there, so we have made another move to a different place. 47 is so very young. I am so very sorry for the loss of your nephew – he sounds quite familiar! You make a great point, and I couldn’t agree more . . . this is not our home. We will all be together again and I cannot even imagine the joy and beauty! Thank you for reading and especially for sharing your own story.

      Reply

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